Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
