Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
