Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
