I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
