captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I believe in your delicious
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
