I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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