If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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