life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
