I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me