I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
