Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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