Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
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We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
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I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear