I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat