im six kinds of drunk right now
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
