Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
