I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
