Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
