I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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