I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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