I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
