I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
