Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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