Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
