Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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