i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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