when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
