Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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