im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
