Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
