Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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