went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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