she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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