i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
