It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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