I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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