Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
