why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
