you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
