if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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