Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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