Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
