the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
