After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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