I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
