i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
