For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
