I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
