Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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