turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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