mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
