Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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