I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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