When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
