im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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