I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
