Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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