saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
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The beers last night were like the tears from god
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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