its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize