i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
