we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
