I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
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You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
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We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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