Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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