Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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