My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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